An unvarnished accounting of one man’s struggle toward sexual and emotional maturity. In this unconventional memoir, Jonathan Alexander addresses wry and affecting missives to a conflicted younger self. Focusing on three years—1989, 1993, and 1996—Dear Queer Self follows the author through the homophobic heights of the AIDS epidemic, the fall of the Berlin Wall, the election of Bill Clinton, and the steady advancements in gay rights that followed. With humor and wit afforded by hindsight, Alexander relives his closeted college years, his experiments with his sexuality in graduate school, his first marriage to a woman, and his budding career as a college professor. As he moves from tortured self-denial to hard-won self-acceptance, the author confronts the deeply uncomfortable ways he is implicated in his own story. More than just a coming-out narrative, Dear Queer Self is both an intimate psychological exploration and a cultural examination—a meshing of inner and outer realities and a personal reckoning with how we sometimes torture the truth to make a life. It is also a love letter, an homage to a decade of rapid change, and a playlist of the sounds, sights, and feelings of a difficult, but ultimately transformative, time.
Jonathan J. G Alexander Knihy


An archive of personal trauma that addresses how a culture still toxic to queer people can reshape a body. In the summer of 2019, Jonathan Alexander experienced a minor stroke, termed an “eye stroke.” A cholesterol piece lodged in a retinal artery, creating a permanent blind spot in his right eye. Alexander recounts the aftermath of this health crisis, which revealed deeper concerns, alongside his experiences as a queer person navigating medical intervention. Queer individuals often feel a subconscious guilt for their conditions, as if illness is a punishment for their identity. This psychic and somatic pressure can diminish quality of life and shorten lifespans. Emerging from his medical emergency, Alexander reflects on how his sexuality, sense of dis/ability, and perception of time intertwine with his health crisis. Through a queered diary format, his lyrical prose captures the unfolding aftermath of the stroke. The fractured nature of his text mirrors his altered vision, as he explores his changed experience of time and the impact of homophobic encounters on his body. The narrative situates itself within a broader queer literary tradition, addressing the body, its unbecoming, and its ongoing existence even in the face of mortality. It also navigates the complexities of critique and imagination while creating space for dreaming, pleasure, intimacy, and the unexpected.